Dwarffolk come to drink and trade
Orcmen come to kill and invade
Goblins come in a Weird Parade
Can’t be bought, can’t be paid
Committed to their odd charade
Goblins come in a Weird Parade
Life is boring, life is staid
Change the things the Gods have made
Goblins come in a Weird Parade
When will mankind start to fade?
When will town become a glade?
When will travellers be waylaid?
When Goblins come in a Weird Parade!
Signs of the Weird Parade
Oh, yes, it’s true your players may someday be unlucky enough to meet the Weird Parade. The touch of the self-described goblins causes confusion, polymorphia, and size-alteration — and that’s the basic package. But before they cross paths with the Parade, they should first have an opportunity to see its handiwork. Here are d10 weird signs of the Parade’s passing; roll when you enter a town in the Ermine Marches, or a similarly afflicted region of your own campaign world.
1 – The farmers and the pigs have swapped faces. This has not stopped the pork trade.
2 – The townsfolk here can speak only in whispers or shouts.
3 – For the stretch that passes through town, the local river is 55% alcohol by volume. Bottling plants are as ubiquitous as drunks; the local duchess is displeased, and the workers are increasingly disrespectful to both travellers and the authorities.
4 – The peasants’ eyes have fallen from their skulls. Lilac coloured eyes bloom from trees and livestock; the villagers share vision through all these eyes. Many carry afflicted apples in front of them to help them see.
5 – Cheeses and Sausages grow on trees here. Foraging for rations is extremely easy and bountiful.
6 – Books can no longer be read in this town. Instead, they shout invasive personal questions at anyone who opens them. If provided answers, they will criticize the plot of your life. The locals think this is hilarious when it happens to strangers.
7 – No one can tell the truth while the sun is up. No one can lie once the sun goes down.
8 – The buildings here have sprouted feet. They constantly run in tight circles; only music gives them pause.
9 – The local rams are giving birth to goblins! The local ewes are shaving themselves and trading the wool for booze money!
10 – Birds crawl through the dirt, while snakes and rats fly through the air.
Want more weird? Try Wake Up Sheeple for some Ermine Marches adventuring or continue checking out our blog. Might I interest you in these weird little dream guys? Check ’em out!