Spare me your horses! I want your craziest RPG mounts, and I want ’em now!
My hope is you’ll add your own ideas in the comments below. That being said, if you’re intimidated into silence by the insanity of these offerings, I don’t blame you. That’s the price of genius, bay-bee!
Jewelled Toad
Arguably a minor deity and hotly pursued by its former cultists, this only slightly stolen monstrosity is large enough to carry two riders and strong enough to leap most local chasms. Any time an offensive ranged spell is cast within 60ft of the Jewelled Toad, there’s a 2-in-6 chance that the Toad’s tongue will lash out and snatch it. Fireballs will upset its tummy, stopping it from attempting to eat more magic for the rest of the day.
Dire Dragonfly
A Dire Dragonfly has only half the carrying capacity one might expect from a mount, but can fly at twice the speed of a horse. Their hearts are finely-tuned machines, constantly operating at maximum overdrive; if they take any lightning damage at all, they’ll die instantly.
Still, the beasts’ speed makes them much valued. Amidst the Floating Isles, Insect Chevaliers use them as jousting beasts. The Plutocratic Gamsters of Ur-Zhan race them through dangerous obstacle courses, using condemned criminals as jockeys. The Witch Queen of the Icicle Palace desperately wants one; she’ll offer a fist-sized diamond to anyone brave enough to try importing one into the north. Just keep an eye out for those Jewelled Toads along the way!
Polymorphic Mount
Formerly the Wizard Ostramoore, an alchemic mishap has left this poor dear in a bit of a fix. Roll a d8 at the beginning of each day; the mount has that form until the next sunrise
- Horse
- Elephant
- Giant Eagle
- Mastiff
- Dire Centipede
- Snake (Giant, Constrictor)
- Gibbering Mouther
- Mage
Ostramoore’s Mage form is much like the one he had before his accident, with the unfortunate caveat that he has donkey brains. Kicking and hee-hawing, his geriatric (but surprisingly lithe) form will kick over anything around him while (somehow) casting his spells at anything within range. Donkey-mage Ostramoore cannot tell friend from foe. He is a danger to himself and others.
If you can contact Ostramoore in one of his other forms (via Speak with Animals) he’s mortified by the whole thing, but very grateful to be taken care of. He knows a lot of Arcana, as well as secrets of some of the other local mages.
Did you enjoy these mounts? Comment your own weird ride-ables below! Or check out the Civilized Toads in Moon Elves’ Masquerade, a fun, social-focused 5e adventure. Or just keep the weird coming with my favourite Winter article: the Jump Knights of Yuul!