It is said, in some of the more fantastic reaches of the universe, that the mandates of Order are handed down from on high by the automaton angels: the Inevitables. These clockwork celestials protect Law from Chaos and punish those who transgress with swords of pure logic. They chase down the criminal on wings woven of contracts and judge with a gavel of infinite celestial gravity.
In these parts, all this is considered ‘inefficient’ and ‘showy’.
For this is a universe that understands order, that understands service. Anonymity is armor. Blandness is balance. Conformity is control.
And so the creators of our world have eschewed the Inevitables, impressive though they may be, and chosen a different avatar for the invisible hand of order:
Meticulously stitched and impeccably pressed, these ambulatory fashion statements are practically identical to one another. They can only be told apart by their numerically stamped tie pins. Occasionally, they contain a human being, but this is of little consequence; the suit wears the man, not the other way around.
They always travel in even numbers. They prefer to operate through intermediaries, bankrolling businesses here, funding charities there. They have deep pockets. When needed, they will hire human enforcers, though violence is not their tool of choice. They will never fight when they might buy.
The Suits are divided into organizations called Bureaus. The Bureau of Protocol’s role is mostly organizational. Their coloration is best described as ‘eggshell’. Next in the hierarchy is the Bureau of Procedure, which oversees the operation of the fundamental laws of the universe. They are colored off-white. The pale-nimbus Bureau of Information constitutes the Suits’ spy network and the bone-white Bureau of Adjustment is responsible for what the Suits refer to as ‘operations’.
Two million years ago, there was a fifth department. No mortal knows what their name and role was, but it is said that the ‘beige Bureau’ was disincorporated due to a culture of individualism and eccentricity.
No creature from outside the Realms of Order has ever seen inside the Bureau of Protocol, but rumors abound about the leader of the suits. The Celestials believe there is a ‘boss-suit’ somewhere in the Bureau, coloration unknown. They refer to it as ‘the Executive’. Among the Devils, there is hushed respect for an entity they call ‘The Tailor’. The forces of chaos insist that the whole thing is secretly run by a nine-legged reptilian roulette wheel that knows no shame and speaks only in code.
Whoever commands the legions of order, their aims remain largely inscrutable. The Bureau of Adjustment’s actions on the Material Plane can often feel as random as those of Chaos’s minions. In one province, the Bureau helps build forges and watermills and teaches children the languages of their neighbors. In the next province over, they imprison artists, burn books, and brand those born under ill stars. In a third, they simply count the number of chickens and men over fifty, announce that ‘the ratio is well’, and reward the local peasants with a tin obelisk covered in numbers.
Medium celestial, lawful neutral
Armor Class 11
Hit Points 45 (10d8)
Speed 30ft, fly 40ft (hover)
|10 (+0)||12 (+1)||10 (+0)||12 (+1)||12 (+1)||8 (-1)|
Skills History +4, Insight +4, Perception +4, Religion +4,
Senses blind sense 60 ft., passive Perception 14
Saving Throws Cha +8, Wis +4
Damage Resistances lightning, thunder; bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical attacks
Damage Immunities cold, necrotic, poison
Languages Telepathy (60 ft)
Challenge 5 (1,800 XP)
Predictable. The Suit always takes the average of any die they might roll. In other words, a d20 always rolls a 10.5, 2d6 will always be 7, etc. If this means that they cannot accomplish whatever they are doing, they can ‘go random’ as a bonus action. This means they start rolling dice, rather than using the average. They can stay random for ten rounds, taking 1 damage a turn, and taking one level of Exhaustion after those ten rounds elapse.
Weaknesses. A Suit subjected to improvised jazz music, blank verse, flash mobs, non-sequiturs, post-modernism, improv comedy, clowning, or any other attack on public decorum must make a DC 10 Constitution saving throw with disadvantage or be poisoned. Note that a Suit that is using its Predictable ability should almost always make its saving throw.
The Things You Own (Recharge 6). Any humanoid wearing the Suit must succeed on a DC 13 Charisma saving throw or be possessed by the Suit. The target is incapacitated and loses control of its body. The Suit now controls the body but doesn’t deprive the target of awareness. The Suit can’t be targeted by any attack, spell, or effect other than an area effect. It retains its alignment, Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma, and immunity to being charmed and frightened, as well as all its special qualities and damage resistances and immunities. It otherwise uses the possessed target’s statistics but doesn’t gain access to the target’s knowledge, class features, or proficiencies.
The possession lasts until the Suit is removed or the target dies.
Contractualism. Any character who signs a contract penned by a suit acts as if it is targeted by a Geas spell, Wisdom saving throw DC 18. Success on this saving throw only informs the target of the Geas trap on the document. If they still sign the contract, they are treated as if they had failed their saving throw.
Innate Spellcasting. The Suit’s innate spellcasting ability is Intelligence (spell save DC 13). It can innately cast the following spells, requiring no material components.
At will: mage hand, unseen servant
3/day each: protection from evil and good, invisibility, scrying, suggestion, hold person, zone of truth, locate object, locate animals and plants
1/day: dispel magic, geas, plane shift (cannot be used on an unwilling target)
Slam. Melee Weapon Attack: 15.5 (1d20+5) to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 7 (2d6) bludgeoning damage and 10.5 (3d6) psychic damage.
Whenever Suits enter the material plane, they come in pairs: one to carry the Ineffable Plan, the other to carry the Badge.
If a Suit reads from the plan, they and their partner have 20 Intelligence and 20 Wisdom for the next hour. In addition, they apply double their proficiency to any Intelligence check they make and may cast Augury at will.
If any other being attempts to read the plan, they must make a DC 20 Wisdom saving throw or go insane; they are affected by Hideous Laughter indefinitely. If Lesser Restoration is cast, they may attempt to make their save again. Even those who make their saves should add an irrational fixation with order to their character’s flaws.
The Badge is unique to the suit it was issued to; there can be no counterfeits. It gives any Suit wielding it, and their partner, advantage on any checks related to commerce, the legal system, or anything involving a city. In addition, they are under the effects of Pass Without Trace while in a city. It may also cast Antimagic Field with a 30ft radius sphere area if effect once per day, for up to 24 hours.
If held by a mortal, it maintains its antimagic property, (though it cannot be turned off) but otherwise is just a simple badge.
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